♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Mornin', Ma. How you feelin'?
I'm not sure. What did we have for dinner last night?
Mexican. Oh. Then I'm OK.
Hi, girls.
Guess where I'm going.
A sanitarium up north?
I'm gonna enter the US Senior Sports Classic. And I'm gonna win.
I had no idea that you could skate that well.
Oh, when I was young, my folks had me train for the US team.
Oh, the day the Olympic Committee came to St. Olaf,
I was so nervous I put my skates on the wrong feet.
Oh...
Sonya Henderfinken's.
Morning, all. Morning, honey.
Rose, for God's sake,
you look like a giant elf.
Can I borrow that sometime?
Oh, Blanche, when is Becky coming?
I want to make sure that Ma is all moved into my room.
I'm pickin' her up at 10:30.
How come when company comes, I always have to sleep with Dorothy?
How come I always get the short stick?
It's because you are the short stick.
Put that down. Why?
Since you're sleeping with me, no more liquid till Becky leaves.
I'm really looking forward to Becky's visit,
even though she is in a delicate condition.
Yeah, knocked up and single. How dainty.
No, I think it's great that she's brave enough
to have that baby by herself.
Look who's talking - the president of knocked up and single.
At least Dorothy's pregnancy was an accident.
My daughter did it on purpose.
And went to a sperm bank. A sperm bank.
Just the very idea of a bank havin' sperm.
At least the government didn't have to bail them out.
Well, I'm off to sign up. Wish me luck.
I think it's wonderful that you're taking part
in the Senior Sports Classic.
I might try entering it myself in 15 years, when I'm eligible.
If I can come up with an event.
The luge is the only one where you get to lie on your back.
Rose, are you all right? Yes.
Oh, Mr. Ninervini, my ice-skating coach,
said I should wear weights to strengthen my ankles.
Well, I'm off to the grocery. Can I bring you anything?
Is that as fast as you can go? Yes.
Don't get any dairy.
Rose, don't make fun of old people.
I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.
They come in headbands?
Everybody, look who's here. Oh!
Sweetheart, sit down, sit down. Sit down, sit down.
Oh, you look beautiful. How've you been?
Well, I love being pregnant. Except for the hormones.
Yesterday I cried when the mail was late.
Oh, no, her mail was late.
Can you imagine what she was like when she had hormones?
So, I hear we only get you for three days.
Well, that depends. On what?
On how my mother feels about my having the baby in Miami.
Here? So close to Cuba?
I thought I could do it alone,
but now that it's almost time, I'm gettin' nervous,
and I realized I want to be near my mother.
I think it's great that you want to have your baby here.
Boy, in St. Olaf, the mother was always with the daughter when she gave birth.
And if the mother was out of town, then the mother of the father was there.
And if she was out of town, then we'd call Lucky Gunther.
Oh, what the hell. She has a birthday coming up.
Why, Rose?
After the thresher accident, they replaced Lucky's arm with a forceps.
Yep.
Lucky Gunther. He was in charge of delivering babies
and handing out corn at the Rotary picnics.
Shut up, Rose.
So, Mama, is it all right if I have my baby here?
I only want what's best for you.
Don't you want to have your baby with your obstetrician
in your hospital in Atlanta?
Oh, I'm not having my baby in a hospital.
I'm going to a birthin' center.
They emphasize natural childbirth
in a relaxed atmosphere with no painkillers.
Becky, I know I told you where babies come from.
Did I ever mention where they come out?
Mama, why don't you just come see the place?
They have one of the biggest and best birthing centers right here in Miami.
Those theme-park people are always thinking, aren't they?
Come on. Now, Blanche, before you close your mind,
the least you can do is just take a look at the place.
I'll go with you if you need support.
Just give me a head start.
Oh. This is a birthing center?
Where's the obstetrician? Where's the equipment?
She'd be better off having the baby in your bedroom. At least you've got stirrups.
And there's a better chance of finding a doctor.
First Becky conceives in a clinic, now she wants to deliver in a bedroom.
She's got the whole thing backwards.
Oh, this is all wrong.
What kind of dope would want to have a baby here?
This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant.
We have a lot of features here
to create the right environment for both you and baby.
That's why we have music piped into every room.
So, uh, Mama, what do you think?
I think it would cost less to squat in a Laura Ashley showroom.
Look, I hate to be an alarmist,
but what if the baby or the mother
needs more than Muzak and throw pillows?
You're a meat eater, aren't you?
(woman screams)
Sounds like there's a mommy in the making.
Sounds like there's a mommy on fire.
I'll be right back.
Oh, good. We can sneak out. Mother!
Becky, I have to admit,
everything is well coordinated here,
but, honey, wouldn't you be happier
in a place where there's less stereo and more...
(woman screams)
...morphine?
Well, I'm just lookin' into alternatives.
Hospitals have a rigid way of doin' things.
(woman screams)
Why is she screamin'? She's conscious.
(screams)
I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
(woman shrieks)
You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
We don't need the whole tour.
Mama... that sounded just awful.
Well, darling, that is woman's lot in life - to bear the pain of childbirth.
What's man's lot in life?
Their eyebrows grow together.
Cheesecake, Rose?
Let's taste it and find out.
How's the skating going?
Oh, Coach Ninervini is really disappointed in my compulsory figures.
The only way I can make an "8"
is to start with a snowman and then erase his head and arms.
By the time I do all that, the judges have lost interest.
So have I, Rose.
Honey, why don't you just quit?
Oh, they have a name for people who quit.
They call 'em "quitters."
Don't let them call you that, Rose.
You make them stick to "idiot."
Being at the birthing center today
brought back vivid memories of when I delivered Rebecca.
It was so wonderful.
When I woke up, there she was in my arms,
just as goofy and hung over as I was.
I vowed then and there to have 20 more.
Well, what stopped you? The drugs wore off.
Remember how Stan was working late
when I went into labor with Kate,
so I called you, Ma?
Yeah, right in the middle of Uncle Miltie.
No, no. Kate was born on a Friday.
Milton Berle was on Tuesday nights.
Yeah, I know.
Uncle Miltie was your father's pet name for -
Never mind.
I was fortunate.
I was at a picnic when I delivered Kirsten.
Well, how was that fortunate?
Lucky Gunther already had boiling water in his corn pot.
Before you knew it,
I was kissing her little buttery salted head.
Dorothy was born during the Depression... mine.
We had no money, and when it came time to deliver,
I couldn't afford to go to the hospital.
Hospitals were for the rich.
So Dorothy was born at home?
Homes were for the rich. Babies were for the rich.
We tried selling her, but the rich have taste.
Did you have a hard labor?
Oh, it went on for days, but she was finally born.
32 pounds, 3 ounces. Oh, Sophia!
Ma, nobody weighs 32 pounds when they're born.
That's what the guy from the circus said.
Hello. Hi, darlin'.
You know, I've been thinkin'.
Maybe havin' a baby at a birthing center isn't so important.
I mean, the people at Lamaze got me a coach,
so there's no reason I can't have a natural birth, even in a hospital.
Oh, Becky, that's wonderful.
And, darlin', I'll go to Atlanta with you.
I'll be right outside your door the whole time.
No, I think I better have the baby here in Miami.
I don't feel much like traveling.
Well, I just thought you'd be happier,
giving birth in a place where nobody knows me.
I can't believe you. Are you ever gonna get over my bein' a single mother?
It's just that I have a reputation in this town.
Cheesecake, Ma?
Well, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You don't sound very sorry.
I had artificial insemination.
It's not like I slept with every man in town.
Chew it carefully, Ma.
Like they taught you at Shady Pines.
I would just be happier checking you into a hospital
where I don't happen to be very popular with the staff.
That means more to you than being there at the most important moment of my life?
Oh, Blanche, there are so many hospitals in Miami.
Maybe you can find one where you haven't... volunteered?
No. Don't worry about it, Mother.
I'm leavin' in the morning, and I'm takin' my baby with me.
A little more to the left.
Ma. Ma, wake up, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Oh, I dreamt I was in bed with Mel Gibson
and Kim Basinger was to my right.
Go to sleep, Ma.
It's been 14 hours. Just a sip of water, Dorothy?
Go to sleep.
Dorothy?
Becky. Becky, what's the matter? Is something wrong?
I was just wondering what bein' in labor feels like.
How do you feel right now? If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.
Showtime. Honey, don't worry. Just lie down.
Come on, get into bed.
We'll start timing the contractions.
I think one's coming on.
Oh... oh... oh.
Yikes!
Blanche, cut it out. I'm trying to get some sleep.
Ma, Becky is in labor.
Oh.
Hold my hand. When it hurts, squeeze.
Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?
Yes and yes.
It's Becky. She's having the baby.
I'll put on some corn. Um...
Call the County Hospital. Tell them we'll be there in 20 minutes.
Oh, and call the coach. The number's by the phone.
Fine. Is there anything I can do?
Call the hospital and the coach. You got that, Rose?
Oh, hurry. Here comes another one.
Oh... oh... oh...
Yikes!
Hey, what do you do for a living, crack walnuts?
What's goin' on? Something about a baby.
Oh, my God. You mean it's started? She's having contractions.
Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep.
I'll call you when it graduates high school.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on, I'm taking you to the hospital right now.
Dorothy, this reminds me of when I took you to the hospital
when you were in labor. How so, Ma?
You were pregnant, I took you to the hospital. It's not a big leap.
Ms. Devereaux, you forgot to fill out the name of the father.
I was artificially inseminated.
It was the father's last wish.
That and that people should be able to visit Graceland.
Oh, Doctor. Thank God you're here.
I'm not the doctor. I sell hats. Mr. Ninervini?
Rose, who is this man?
He's my ice-skating -
Oh, my God. I must have called the wrong coach.
Oh, are you the doctor? Yes.
The contractions have been approximately five minutes apart
for the last 45 minutes.
I suggest you see how dilated she is.
Gee, I never would have thought of that.
Let's get her head up so the baby can get more oxygen.
Get her feet up so it'll be a boy.
Oh, raise her arms. I want a girl.
(all talk) (blows whistle)
Listen up!
I want three people in here -
the pregnant woman, the coach and the baby.
You heard him, ladies. OK, Doc, let's go.
If anybody is staying in here with my daughter, it is her mother.
We'll be in the waiting room if you need us.
OK.
How you doin', baby? I'm scared.
Oh, honey, there's nothin' to be afraid of.
Just remember, pull, pull.
Oh, no. That's skeet shooting.
Well, never mind. We'll be just fine.
By the way, the reason that the baby's father isn't here
is because he's busy.
I read the form.
I have a pretty good idea what he's busy doing.
What is taking so long? It's been hours.
It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy.
I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.
You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad.
You keep telling me how hard it was
and how long it took to have me.
Did I mention the colic?
Ma, you're hurting my feelings.
Not as much as you hurt my oonie. Ma!
I'll tell you something.
No matter how much pain I went through - and it was a lot -
I wouldn't give up having you for anything in the world.
Thanks, Ma.
And I knew you'd be special.
And I didn't disappoint you? A little.
Oh, I guess every mother feels their children
are gonna be something special when they first see them.
And then we disappoint them by not becoming Olympic stars.
Oh, Rose.
Rose, honey, is that why you're training? For your parents?
They always wanted me to be a champion ice skater.
They were so proud watching me practice.
I know their dream was for me to win a gold medal,
but I hate ice-skating.
Rose, listen, you don't have to do anything to please your parents.
She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something,
but I'm not gonna kill myself if that day never comes.
But my parents called me "Twinkle Toes."
I call Dorothy "Big Foot."
That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.
What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.
That's right - an over-the-hill schoolteacher
who has to wait for the phone to ring
to know if she's gonna work that day.
Ohh. It doesn't matter what your parents want.
Rose, you're never gonna make them happy.
They're just gonna nag you and nag you
until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em,
but you don't, because you're in a hospital
with resuscitating equipment!
In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.
Oh, Sophia. Big Foot, thank you.
I mean, you're terrific.
You made me realize you don't have to please your parents.
I don't know how I can thank you.
No more ice-skating.
And I'm not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
No, Rose, that you should do.
(Blanche and doctor) 7... 8... 9... 10.
Good, good, good. We're getting there. Rest.
You're doin' fine.
(woman over PA) Dr. Jackson, outside call.
Dr. Jackson, outside call.
You know why I call you pussycat, Pussycat?
Why, Ma?
Because you only gave me yarn for Christmas?
Because you fed me once and I hung around?
Because you used to put me out at night?
Because I love pussycats, and I love you.
And you were the only one in the family who could catch mice.
(Blanche and doctor) 9... 10.
Rest. Good, good. We're getting there.
God, I don't think I can take much more of this.
Becky, if you hurry up and have this baby,
I'll run down and get you some ice cream.
When are you gonna stop treatin' me like a child?
Oh, somebody's grumpy.
I want her out of here.
Why, Becky, you don't mean that.
Oh, right. I'm in a real jokin' mood. Now get out.
Becky... You're not helpin', Mama.
Well, then I will just take a little break.
Ohh! Mama!
Oh, honey, baby, I'm here.
One more push and we'll be there. No, I can't.
You know I've never been real strict with you, but you have to.
No, I'll just carry this baby with me for the rest of my life.
No. It's a bad look.
I can't, Mama. I can't.
Listen. Rebecca Devereaux,
I think you must be about the bravest woman alive.
You do? Honey, I couldn't do what you're doin'.
You've got courage I never had.
Why, you just decided how you wanted to have your baby, and you're doin' it.
I think that's wonderful. I'm just so proud of you. I just love you.
All right. One more push, but that's it.
Attagirl, attagirl. Come on, darlin'.
(screams)
Ohh! (baby crying)
Oh, my God.
Oh, will you just look at him?
Mrs. Devereaux, that's the umbilical cord.
Oh.
Oh, oh, well, look at her.
Oh!
Look at this, Becky.
She's wonderful.
Oh, my gosh. She's almost as beautiful as you were.
We did it, Mama. We did it.
Honey, thank you for letting me be here with you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
The first time I ever held you in my arms,
I knew I was holding somebody I was gonna love for the rest of my life.
Hello, little baby.
We've been waitin' for you.